The Lament of the Dead iPod (or "My iPod Saga in 23 parts)


1. Buy the iPod online. Decline the extended warranty because you are certain it is a rip off and you are already spending something like three times what you normally would. Surprise husband with the expensive little musical device as a Christmas present. Garner much praise and affection from said husband Christmas morning.

2. Haul out every CD you and hubby ever collected from the beginning of time. Well, from the beginning of CD’s anyway.

3. Begin the tedious process of ripping each CD to the computer and then syncing it to the new iPod.

4. Revel in the delight that is having your entire…and I mean ENTIRE…music collection right there at your fingertips, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Build hundreds of playlists and forget what’s on them.

5. Stash those obsolete CD’s in a box and hide them deep, deep in your spider-filled basement. Kiss the cracked and broken jewel cases goodbye. Rejoice in the knowledge that you will never see another pile of CD cases growing on your stereo and have to wonder…..do any of those actually have CD’s in them?

6. Rip your friends’ music to your iPod. Incur bad music karma (wink wink). Sorry, it’s true confession time. Guilty!

7. Feel really cool at the gym because you have a little rectangle of pure awesomeness strapped to your arm. Who says Stay-at-Home mothers of 3 aren’t cool! I may be old and boring, but I have an iPod!

8. Enjoy the iPod for what is approximately one second more than the life of the regular iPod warranty.

9. On a road trip, notice that your beloved iPod is making a funny noise.

10. A digitally rendered picture of a dead iPod appears on your screen. Panic.

11. The iPod is dead. Mourn deeply.

12. Call Apple’s help line. Get put on hold. Listen to sitar music for something like half of eternity. Maintain not the smallest modicum of hope that you might be eventually be connected to someone who speaks fluent English.

13. Your call is eventually answered by someone whose name is unpronounceable to your American tongue. Remind yourself that he probably has 10 children he is supporting and that the job he is doing is keeping them all off the street. Remind yourself that as difficult as his English is to understand, it’s way more understandable than your Sanskrit would be. Launch into a description of your iPod’s brief illness and eventual demise. The conversation, after reading aloud the microscopic identification code several times off the back of the device to establish that I actually own it (no Z, not C…Z….not P, Z….no, Z, not D….ok, ZED! Yes, Zed. Repeat for about 20 numbers and letters), goes something like this:

Tsunk K’puk: ‘Goood ev’ning valu’d iPod cusomer. My name ess Tsnuk K’puk. What can I hlp you wees de prblem?’

Me: My iPod was making a funny noise and then a dead iPod icon appeared on the screen.

Tsunk K’puk: Oh, dis velly bad. Velly bad. You say, de iPod es making noise? Yes? Noise first, den icon?

Me: Yes, it was a sort of a grinding noise.

Tsunk K’puk: Oh, dis velly bad! Velly bad make noise. Dis noise, es bad hard drive. Velly bad! You have ec’tend’ed war-en-tee?

Me: Uh, no….

Tsunk K’puk: (you hear a clucking noise over the line) Ooooooooooooo, you wish you had ec’tend’ed war-en-tee!

Me: I’m sure I do! But I don’t. What can I do?

Listen to Tsunk K’puk explain that Apple will basically do nothing at all to fix the iPod, and that it cannot be fixed by anyone else. However, they will gladly give you $25.00 towards your purchase of a brand new iPod! Feel like chewing the phone and briefly consider flushing the iPod down the toilet.

14. Get online, determined to find a way to fix your poor dead iPod. Think of all the CD’s in broken jewel cases, sitting there gathering cobwebs in the deep dark basement. Look even harder.

15. Find a brilliant online company that will fix your iPod, for a fraction of the cost of a new one! Rush to the UPS store and ship the bugger right off. Call them to ensure that they can get your iPod back within a week, as per the claim on the website.

16. Wait FOR SIX MONTHS without your iPod. Call the company. Call them again. Give them your UPS tracking number, give them your iPod identification number, give them a piece of your mind. Call them again. Call them again. Email them.

17. Watch the CD cases build up and gather dust on your stereo and wonder if any of them actually have CD’s in them.

18. Email your local news station and report the outrage to the local business watchdog. Wait for another 3 months with no word.

19. Give up and buy a new iPod.

20. As you load the dreaded stacks of CD’s back into the computer you purchased since the last iPod and rip them one by one all over again, get a phone call from the news station…they are doing a report on the iPod-fixing website that ripped off your old iPod, would you care to comment?

21. Realize that you don’t really want to appear on TV whining about the injustice of your long lost iPod (you’d rather blog about it instead!). Realize that ranting about it on TV isn’t going to set a great example of how a Christian should be. Try to think of a way you can spin it so that you are exhibiting Christian values…What would Jesus do? Publicly forgive the company that has your iPod? Publicly apologize for ripping your friends’ music? Publicly apologize for giving in to temptation purchasing an item you really couldn’t afford in the first place and then feeling prideful because your iPod has more gigs of memory than your neighbor’s? Give up. Decline to comment.

22. Plug your new iPod in, store the extended warranty you now know is well worth the extra money safely in a desk drawer, and box those darn CD’s back up. Banish them to the spider-filled basement until the next tragic iPod death. Consider it a lesson learned.

23. Enjoy your ENTIRE music collection, right at your fingertips, 24/7. Try not to calculate the actual cost of your iPod addiction as you feel very cool at the gym.

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